Standing in the triage room of the local clinic, I do not feel well. I know I am sick, so I take myself to get an antibiotic. She gestures to the scale and the fear hits me. I don't like scales, never have, they represent failure to me. I step on hoping that I have lost something even though I know I haven't. I look down and see a number I have never seen, 308. Dread hits my gut, I have never been over 300 untill now. If i wasn't feeling so sick i would have cried right there.
I know part of it is me but I also know that alot of it is my abuse. This is why. I am a theraputic eater. I medicate myself by eating. When I'm sad, I eat, when I'm stressed, I eat. When I am depressed, angry, ect. etc. etc.. I am also rebeling against a mother who has been anorexic or some other form of eating disorder her whole life. The woman who put me on a diet at the age of ten when I didnt need to be. I remember feling like I was starving and I began to sneak food at that point in time. Another reason is that as I gained the weight I have been able to draw men's attention away from me, from my body. THEREFORE, MAKING ME UNATTRACTIVE TO MY ABUSER . Or any other guy who makes me feel uncomfortable.
As an overweight person I have been able to get through life without feeling like I am an object with breasts. I have been able to fade into the background. I have been able to disappear.
Unfortunately, the weight has realy effected my health as well as my relationship with my spouse. But I am changing, I am freeing myself from the scared little girl in the big girls skin. I will someday be able to shed the big girls skin and just be myself hopefully, someday.
I'll address the ways I am in other posts because they have emotional attachments too.
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