Why this is here.

You are a writer, then dammit write! Write it out. Write about your dark past, your struggling present, and your hopeful future. My brain says as I ponder the idea in my head.

I was ten when things became dark. We had just moved and I was a shy one, no friends, new house, a mom who thought I was fat and placed me on a diet, and HIM the man who thought for some reason I was HIS to do with as he saw fit. Perhaps becuse I was adopted he didn't think of it as INCEST. Perhaps I'll never know. Either way I was ten when my childhood was ripped from me and I was forced to behave as an adult in secret.

This is hopefully a document of my recovery.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Where this began.

A few years ago I suffered severe post partum depression after a dificult birth and a baby born with a birth defect. As I began to climb out of the pit that had been my life for so long; I began to realize that alot of the depression was not just a severe form of baby blues. That my past abuse darkened everything in my life even when I thought I had exorcised the ghosts a long time ago. I began to realize that things I strugle with, my weight, my self image, my dificultys with my spouse, are from the seven years of incest at HIS hands.

I've read the books. I've suppressed it untill it was eating me like ACID from the inside. I feel sorry for my children and my spouse who are as much victims of this as I am because of the reprecussions over 20 years later.

I was given one piece of advice that seems to be working in small ammounts. ACCEPT IT. Accept the horror and accept who you are and learn to move on. To love yourself inspite of your past. To look forward to the future when the pain is gone.

I am trying, I am working on it, I will survive.
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